Hmmmm... I've noticed two things in viewing this blog. One, it's been over a year since I thought about it and two, I did an astoundingly poor job of fulfilling the self-imposed obligations of this blog (probably because I forgot about it). Oh my goodness what a year it's been! When I explain, anyone reading this will surely understand how this project slipped my mind.
Since creating the blog, I trained for and ran a marathon, my father died, I learned the existence of the word "cremains" (due to said paternal death), my stepfather died (run over by a truck, and no I'm not kidding), I left my husband (there, it's out for the world to see), and I started my life over. I also spent a large part of the summer experiencing some pretty severe panic attacks resulting in scary heart palpitations and abnormally sweaty armpits accrued in less than 10 minutes of sitting in an air conditioned room.
Not even the daunting and prolonged period of puberty can match the changes I've undergone this year. I'm still relatively optimistic about my life by nature, but I can feel myself dragging a little lower every day. What have I done to combat this? Well, I've written approximately six sentences in my journal, I took exactly two guitar lessons, I've been running like a demon, I attended one counseling session that I couldn't really afford, and I attempted to pray the other day. Now let me tell you, the catastrophe of this prayer is probably what sent me back to this blog. It went a little something like this:
"Um... dear God. This is Kim. I think you know who I am because a button probably flashed with the name of the caller. But then again, since I haven't called in about ten years you probably don't have my number because I changed it like nine times and never texted you the update. Ok... this isn't going well. I fully recognize that I'm a douche for contacting you just because my life is a mess. I don't know how to do this so I'm gonna try to find you then we'll talk again. If you want to. Peace Out."
That may be the worst prayer ever. Dead atheists pray better than that. I didn't feel anything after the prayer except stupid. I felt like I was talking to myself actually. But then I found this blog while looking for a friend's blog and it looked cool but it had my picture on it. I don't believe in signs, but I'd like to. That could be a pretty good one. So from this moment on I'm going to recommence this blog. The purpose may have changed a little though. I have never been in more need of SOMETHING in my entire life. I've had some pretty dark times as a child, but I talked to God then. Over the years, I've rationalized away the relationship I had with Him.
So what's the new purpose of A Religious Experience? Instead of being an unattached observer of faith, I desperately want to become a person who actually HAS faith. Faith in anything at all. I'll still attend as many churches as possible until SOMETHING happens. I've completely lost my direction. If I was a compass, I'd be dirty/partially buried in poop with a cracked glass and absolutely no needle at all. I'm in autopilot, making a series of circles over an uncharted world while occasionally dropping bombs on people I love. Jesus help me!!! And I presently mean that as merely an interjection. But I hope that by the end of this experience, I will have been able to help myself and maybe even become homeboys with the J-Man. Sigh. The trip starts tomorrow. See you on the other side.
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