This post won't be about my church visit this week. I did attend a service this past Sunday just so you know I'm still in hot pursuit. It was a Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses (no cleavage or coffee shops). But since this religious experience is just as much about following my heart, I have no choice but to comply and write about just how badly I want faith. I've mentioned it before, but it is dominating my every thought today.
The only thing I've ever wanted in a way that was remotely close to faith was a Strawberry Shortcake doll when I was around six. I was never big on causing scenes in public (I'd wait till I got home to let them rip), but the day I laid eyes on her was the day I threw the absolute worst tantrum the TG & Y "department store" next door to Piggly Wiggly had ever seen. I have no verifiable proof of this, but just trust me. It was bad. There was kicking. There was screaming. And oh yes, there was definitely some hurling-myself-to-the-ground more than once action. I wanted that damned little doll so much. With her freckles. And her strawberry scented hair. And her hat with the strawberry on it. Oh how I longed to be with her in the comfort of my home instead of behind packaging. Speaking of, I ripped the packaging during my tantrum. That's how I smelled her hair. Sigh.
Alright. Now faith. OH MY GOD I WANT IT SO BAD. Trust me. If it was socially acceptable to do so, I would throw the mother of all tantrums if I thought it would help. Instead, I find myself making shoddy and desparate prayer attempts (usually) while I'm driving. Today was one of my more fervent dialogues with God. It consisted mostly of body-shaking, snotty sobs and the word PLEASE. Did I mention I was driving. It won't be long before they revoke my license. I've never been in this situation before. I feel no connection to God but I DO feel an overwhelming desire to want a connection. Worst of all, I have absolutely no idea how to ask. I've tried the following: "Please give me faith", "Pretty please give me faith", "Please help me to know what to ask you for so that I can have faith", "Please endure these horrible prayers because they're a work in progress and I fully recognize that I have neither the proper envelop nor stamp to get my communication with you into the next town much less heaven". This time I even begged to not be one of the people on the earth who just can't feel "IT" no matter what. I had a dream last night that I saw faith in a store. For some reason, it took the form of a glowing purple orb and when I reached out to touch it, my had went right through it. Sucker.
All I know is that I need God so much. I never thought I would say that. I need there to be one being that I won't drive to insanity. I need to know that someone is there. I need to feel a little peace and quiet in my brain. I can't get my brain to just shut it lately. I'm trapped in a head that is full of relentless bitching... you know... never a kind word, always making me feel guilty, telling me what a mess I made, telling me that I need to stop wasting God's time like I waste the time of so many earthlings. It's a nightmare!
So, as anyone can plainly tell from the tale of Strawberry Shortcake (oh, how I loved her), I am clearly no stranger to desire. Honestly, I've had hundreds of desires this month alone from chocolate to being able to see my dad again. But none of my desires come close to the strongest one of all: a feeling that God is within, around, above, under me along with any other host of prepositions. I'll take Him and his grace/holy spirit/groovy vibe whether it comes in the form of Strawberry Shortcake, a purple orb, or even menstrual cramps. God knows how much I hate menstrual cramps. Now he knows I mean business.
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